Journal

For Those Who Are Grieving

For Those Who Are Grieving

Today on this Winter Solstice + Grand Conjunction, I’ve spent the morning writing down some words that have been coming through. Grief had something to say to those who have lost loved ones this year. May these words of hope ease the darkness of this darkest day even just a little for those who are grieving. 

 

For Those Who Are Grieving

Dear One:
Everyone who has ever loved you
And the myriad travelers ahead of you
On this well-trodden road of humanity
Ask you to please be patient with Grief
And to trust that, even when you feel it
Deep down in your bones and in every
Cell of your body, and it feels like it will
Annihilate you, Grief serves a noble purpose.

Your future self reaches out through time
To assure you that Grief allowed to ripen
Bears great fruit, and the journey that began
With feeling so torn apart and forsaken
Eventually offers the realization
That everyone who has ever loved you
And everyone you have loved and lost
Exists here inside the heart, in purest form,
Always present and accessible and part of
A greater presence of Unconditional Love
You can call upon at any time. 

For you have not been abandoned,
As much as it feels like it now. In time,
The precious ones you have lost once again
Will be your greatest and closest allies.
Yes, Grief is exhausting work
But if you can be patient and allow it
To belong in the tapestry of your life, it will
Open the door to the transcendent dimension
Where you will receive its astonishing gifts
And learn to communicate in new ways.

May you in time marvel at how
This heartache that knocked you down
So forcefully and repeatedly
Like waves of the incoming tide
Has alchemized into a deeper
Connectedness beyond the physical
And the grand realization of your
Wholeness and enoughness, how it has
Revealed the radiant truth of your being
And grown your compassion.

When the days feel bleak and forlorn,
As if part of your heart has been amputated 
You cling to the sound of their voice,
The details of their face – afraid of forgetting 
What, rest assured, will not be forgotten.

In the darkest season of your grief
When it feels like all light has deserted
Your heart and couldn’t be further away,
May you find solace in what others
Have discovered up ahead in the distance:
What you are looking for outside of yourself
Is growing silently and miraculously within you.

May you continue on, putting
One foot in front of the other
And resting as you need to,
Showering yourself with the mercy
Your loved one wishes for you,
Until at last you arrive at the revelation
That your deepest, most painful loss
Has become your greatest awakening.

For in the end, we love and grieve
Only to discover: Love is who we are,
And separation is nothing but illusion.
Though this may feel so far
From truth and possibility now,
So very many who have traveled this road
And survived the journey, your future self,
And everyone who has ever loved you
Beg you to trust it is so.

—Susan Meyer ©2020

Guided Visualization

Here is a light- and love-filled guided visualization based on a vision, or “energy story” I experienced during meditation that calls upon the kind of Unconditional Love expressed in the poem.

 

River of Light Guided Inner Journey from Susan Meyer on Vimeo.


© 2020 Susan Meyer. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share this post or excerpts of it as long as you give proper credit to Susan Meyer and SusanTaraMeyer.com. Susan Meyer is a photographer, writer, and spiritual teacher who lives on the Hudson River in Upstate New York.

What’s Going on Inside This Heart?

What’s Going on Inside This Heart?

Here we are in the uncharted waters of December 2020. It was dark when I woke up this morning at 6:45 and checked in with my heart. What’s going on in here? What’s the weather like inside this heart?

It feels a little weary, to be honest. Weary from one encounter after another over the past several months with people I assumed were “on the same page” and seeing the world through a similar lens, only to discover that’s not the case at all.

I remember back in March when we absorbed one shockwave after another as we moved into and adjusted to shutdown mode. It feels a little like that. But this time, it’s more about digesting realities about the stories we’re buying into that have solidified throughout the year, and how to be in relationship with one another when those stories differ radically. 

I keep reminding myself we’re in uncharted territory, and everyone is doing the best they can. I try to catch myself and shake off the seductive stories before they have a chance to settle in. Daily.

Earlier this year, things were moving so fast, and it seemed every week served up a different theme. At some point, themes didn’t seem to be so much of a thing. It just felt increasingly chaotic. But now I’m feeling another theme arising. In a nutshell, it feels like our country is divided into perceptions of government/authority being either protective or controlling. Maybe that’s a huge overgeneralization. But it was what I saw when I stepped into my heart yesterday and asked the question I ask many times a day: WTF?

The theme I’m digesting now centers on rebuilding, reconnecting, and caring about people who see things very differently. How to live in a world with so much difference of opinion and clinging to compelling narratives. (Are they fact or fiction? Or a mixture of both?) How to live in a world in which it seems so many people have been drinking the Kool-Aid, so to speak. People who would think the same of me. People I’ve known and respected for a long time. And still do.

Even though I catch myself repeatedly, to have that reaction in the first place… This is new to me. It’s an adjustment, a revelation. And it’s often uncomfortable. In this heart of mine, connection is more important than being right. So I listen and try not to offend. I try to understand what’s below the beliefs and find some kind of caring beneath it all.

Sometimes it can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re a “feeling” type. And if you’re not getting enough sleep.

The Power of Presence

When we get hijacked by emotions, awareness (a.k.a. mindfulness) gives us options. This happened to me when I was driving home yesterday. Realizing I was hooked in an addictive storyline that I called out as “romanticizing”, I surveyed my options and decided I could take a deep breath and blow it out, blow it along, release what doesn’t serve. Then it wouldn’t get stuck in me like fluffy seed fairies dispersed into the air looking for a place to land and take root.

The breath can be really powerful like that. It can blow those story seeds along, saying Not Here. With mindfulness, we can notice what’s going on and choose the seeds we allow to grow in our garden and what to do about the stubborn, subterranean root and rhizome systems that started a long time ago.

With mindfulness, every moment is an opportunity to choose what’s most important and what’s best (which can change). We can choose to get stuck in a limiting personal narrative or to step out of it. We can choose to drop down into something much deeper: a field of being I call Presence.

Dropping into presence actually saves a lot of time because you realize what is and isn’t ultimately important, and a lot of stuff you thought was important just falls away. Here, fresh ideas, insights, solutions, and perspectives are accessible. And lovingkindness.

I sense that all the division we’re experiencing in the world around us at this time and confusion about who or what to believe is ultimately calling us inward, to our our deeper wisdom, which is very, very different than sorting things out in our head through thinking and analyzing or being brainwashed by media. (If you haven’t watched The Social Dilemma, I urge you to.) 

Asking for Help

When we are caught up in the lower, addictive energies of a storyline, we also can ask for help. Especially when we’re tired and don’t have the energy to drop down deeper.

One evening this week, before falling asleep I asked for help. I had gotten triggered and was having trouble getting unhooked – like when those prickly hitchhiker seeds get caught on your clothes, and it’s really hard to get them off. Authentic movement (which is a new thing for me) has become my go-to for releasing and expressing emotional energy. But I was too tired to dance or meditate that evening. So I sent out an earnest S.O.S. to Unconditional Love (spirit guides, angels, ancestors, higher self, etc.). And I ended up having a very interesting dream.

I dreamed I was able to cross the border and visit Eckhart Tolle in his home in Vancouver. We were in his living room, which was modern and spacious. I was drawn to the patterned flooring, which I found lovely. I told him I was grateful to be in his Presence (“with a capital P”), meaning the pure presence coming through him.

I woke up feeling I’d received an energy upgrade in my sleep! I felt totally different.

Then I wrote down the words going through my head and put them on the image that came to mind. 

The image is of the octagonal apex of Inner Light Lodge at Light on the Hill retreat center. I spent the past few years doing a lot of inner growth work in that building with my Hidden Treasure tribe. As I worked on the image, I noticed the roofing of the protruding structure was very similar to the flooring in my dream – which took it to another level, literally!

So we can ask for help. Help that I’ve learned is always available if we can open ourselves to it.

Step out of the storyline, drop into presence, and see what’s there. Ask for help when you need it. This is my advice for these times, which I give myself daily.

What’s the weather like inside this heart? Feels more like peace now…because the energy was channeled into these words.

May we all find constructive ways to channel and release the energies coursing through us. And inspire one another to connect with our deeper wisdom and compassion, which is so much richer than any personal or collective narrative.


© 2020 Susan Meyer. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share this post or excerpts of it as long as you give proper credit to Susan Meyer and SusanTaraMeyer.com. Susan Meyer is a photographer, writer, and spiritual teacher who lives on the Hudson River in Upstate New York.

The model pictured is Hannah Zlotnick, https://www.anandagaia.com/ .

Eleven Gratitudes

Eleven Gratitudes

This Thanksgiving, I’m reflecting on what I’m most grateful for – what has supported me through this year. Here are my top 11 (because 11 is my favorite number, of course).

Birdsong

During the shutdown, when everything got cancelled and felt surreal and changed from day to day and sometimes even hour to hour, I was drawn to birdsong like never before. It was like a meditation bell that brought me out of my thoughts and into the present moment countless times a day. The songbirds cued me to notice my breathing and scan through my body to notice where I was holding tension so I could release it and invite greater ease.

It also seemed the birds were just living their lives, returning as they do every spring – regardless of how disrupted our human lives had become. Their melodic conversations uplifted me. It felt like a part of me could understand birdsong and found it comforting. The birds seemed to be messengers of lightness, joy, all-is-well.

As our planet took a gigantic and much needed breather and the human sounds quieted down, the birdsong became more noticeable…and captivating. It’s been my companion ever since. In this year of physical distancing, birdsong has kept me connected with the living, breathing world and ushered me back to presence.

Nature Trails

This year, I’ve stayed close to home since the shutdown. I haven’t made any overnight trips, and the only day trips I made were to the New England Peace Pagoda a couple hours away in Massachusetts and to the Adirondacks for a Women of Light photo shoot on a perfect, autumn day. Aside from that, I’ve been exploring and appreciating what’s close to home. It’s been a beautiful experiment of “staying”. 

There have been four parks/trails in particular that I’ve gravitated to this year. The first is Hudson Crossing Park, which is the closest. In the spring, I visited Hudson Crossing every morning and walked the labyrinth. “Labyrinth time” was what I looked forward to most of all every day. It was my only outing, my meditation time, and an opportunity to connect with both nature and my deeper self. 

For a while, my husband and I hiked the Thunder Mountain trail in Greenwich regularly. I appreciated being in the woods and the view of the surrounding hills and mountains in the distance. We also ran into fewer people on this trail.

Then the Saratoga Spa State Park started calling to me. With far fewer tourists in town since both the Saratoga Performing Arts Center and the racetrack were closed to the public, it was more delightful than ever to explore the Spa State Park. I discovered and photographed lesser known mineral springs, meditated next to the Geyser Island Spouter, and walked the trails. In the fall, the Ellen Reid Sound Walk was a special treat that put me in an especially creative state.

The fall foliage was so stunning this year that I wasn’t content to just drive through it. I wanted to be immersed in it, up close and personal. That’s when the trails at Christ the King Center in Greenwich came on our radar. And they did not disappoint! It was rare to run into anyone at all, and I fell in love with a section of birch trees on the trail, the views, the peace and quiet, and the diversity of leaves blanketing the ground. (I collected some to make leaf lanterns.) Jack made a video about hiking at Christ the King you that can watch HERE.

The icing on the cake was the time I spent with my granddaughter and daughter (and her boyfriend) at the two parks. My granddaughter and I miss our weekly sleepovers so much, but she had lots of fun exploring the trails, pretending, caring for pinecones (baby trees), searching for and constructing fairy houses, and just being outdoors together creating beautiful memories.

I’m also immensely grateful for everyone who maintains these parks and trails that have offered refuge to so many this year.

The Hudson River

I feel so blessed to live on the river. The navigation season was much shorter than usual this year due to the locks being closed, which meant I could kayak without having to be so vigilant about boat traffic. Once things started to reopen in the summer and there was more traffic and human noise, it was incredibly satisfying to paddle up the river to where the human sounds (that seemed so loud) subsided so I could hear the symphony of nature undisturbed: songbirds, wind dancing with the leaves in the trees, woodpeckers pecking, bald eagles calling.

Sometimes I’d bring my singing drum or Koshi chimes and play with the sounds of nature and even dance. I felt much more free to dance and be embodied in spots on the riverside due to the lack of boat traffic. And there were more spots to choose from because the water level was low all year, creating several tiny “beaches”.

It’s also wonderful to wake up to the river every morning and to have it as my view all day long. To watch it flow and to be inspired by its movement and the reflective quality of its stillness. And to walk along the river at both Hudson Crossing Park and on the quiet roads across the river. The river nourishes my life on so many levels, and “staying” has been a great joy.

A Sense of Community

I have longed for more community in my life – especially a spiritually supportive community. A couple years ago, I had an astrological reading that ended up being absolutely uncanny in its accuracy. The astrologer highlighted the significance of me working with groups of women, in spiritual and healing ways. At the time, I couldn’t imagine what this could mean. It sounded great, but no possibilities came to mind.

Now I’m chuckling as I remember how perplexed I was by this…because it’s become my reality. 

This year, I went full steam ahead into the role of meditation teacher that’s called to me my whole life. And who showed up? Mostly women. Exclusively women for at least the first few months. Many of the participants in my meditation courses have been with me since the spring, and a sense of community has been growing. Someday when Covid has run its course, I look forward to being with them in person. But in the meantime, we are creating community and awakening together via Zoom. For that, I am grateful.

There’s also another community of women that showed up in my life this year, that feels like the answer to a longtime prayer. This is a network of mostly younger, local women who are brilliant, deeply spiritual, and multifaceted creatives. I am in awe of their energy, talents, wisdom, and light. Remember the Three Dog Night song, “Shambhala”? I can tell my sister(s) by the flowers in (their) eyes / On the road to Shambala. It’s like that.

Knowing women like this earlier in life would have altered the entire trajectory of my life. These women are deeply in touch with spirit and express it in unique and beautiful ways. They are inspiring me to be more fully embodied and to bring my wisdom and light into fuller expression. 

I even cleared furniture out of the sunroom overlooking the river to create space for yoga and dancing, and that’s what I do most evenings, sometimes with these women as my guides and inspiration (remotely, for now). This kind of sisterhood is the piece that has been missing all my life. I’m so grateful for the ways they inspire me. They even provided the initial inspiration for my Women of Light photography sessions. (How many times have I used the word “inspire” to describe them?)

Working From Home

The astrologer also said that I would be transitioning to working more from home. Working with groups of women and working from home? Sounded amazing, but I couldn’t imagine this happening. Had no vision for it whatsoever. At the time, I was working two part-time jobs at two different libraries and trying to make time for my own work as best I could.

In March as we headed into the shutdown, I couldn’t fathom doing either of my library jobs from home. They weren’t those kinds of jobs: I taught preschool and helped library patrons with computer and technology issues. I was in the midst of teaching a mindfulness meditation course through the smaller library as part of my practicum requirements for teacher certification and, already fluent in Zoom through my teacher training program, switched the course from in-person to Zoom literally overnight, without missing a beat.

Realizing people were really stressed out by the pandemic cancellations, I asked the HR person at the larger library if she’d like me to teach a mindfulness meditation class for staff through Zoom…and received a resounding YES! Can you start yesterday? That course went well, and then I was asked to offer a course for patrons.

That’s how it all began. I’ve been teaching Zoom classes ever since, non-stop with the exception of a month-long break at the end of summer. I became so busy doing this and developing more content that I ended up resigning from both of my library jobs so I could put my energy into delivering programs instead. 

It feels like I am living my purpose, and I love working from home. Thank you, Zoom.

Poetry

Inspired by my teacher, Tara Brach, I incorporate poetry into my guided meditations and meditation classes. Through Tara, I’ve discovered three poets whose work really resonates: John O’Donohue, Danna Faulds, and Mark Nepo. Their poems have been breaths of fresh air throughout the chaos of 2020. Mary Oliver is always right there in the mix, too, but I’ve appreciated her work for quite some time, along with the spiritual poetry of Hafiz and Rumi and my earliest favorite poet, Kahlil Gibran.

Bringing a book of poetry and a hot water bottle to bed with me is a pleasure I look forward to just like I appreciated my morning labyrinth time in the spring.

Natural Allies

There’s a line from a poem I once read (most likely a Zen death poem) that has stuck with me: Don’t lean on the shifting world.

This year, the world has shifted so much that sometimes it’s felt like there’s nothing solid to stand on. And in moments when that felt overwhelming, I’d go outside. One spring evening, I sat outdoors beneath the clear, starry sky listening to the sound of spring peepers in the distance, across the river. I relished that the stars were still in the sky, and the peepers were still peeping, as they did every year at that time. They helped me to get grounded and find stability in a time of groundlessness and instability.

And then there were the daffodils blooming around the labyrinth as they did every spring. And then the fiddlehead families. The whole flower parade. And the backyard fireflies that put on a magical light show on summer nights. My beloved “water lily friends” in front of our house on the river. The brilliant display of fall foliage. All on schedule, as if nothing had changed.

Sacred Sound

As we head toward winter, there is not as much birdsong as there was earlier in the year. Anticipating this during the warmer months, I wondered how I’d adjust to winter’s quiet after resonating so deeply with the songbirds.

That’s where the beautiful instruments come in. The instruments that line my dance space: handpan, singing drums, and Koshi chimes. Sometimes I’ll dance with my Koshi chimes, wearing them like a ring and moving however my body wants to move. Or I’ll play the instruments intuitively, improvisationally, as a musical meditation. I also play keyboard from time to time, but it is in a different location because I have a different relationship with it than I do with these other instruments.  

The sounds of these beautiful instruments are so soothing. I tend to turn to uplifting, major scales during the day and minor tunings in the evening, to wind down. And sometimes I’ll lie in the middle of my dance space and listen to a sound bath recorded by someone else. Sacred sounds enrich my life and physical body and fill the quiet spaces where birdsong has subsided.

Well-Stocked Grocery Stores

For a while during the shutdown in the spring, we had our groceries delivered. There was also one small, local business that came through with organic produce in a pinch. I’d place an order online and pick it up curbside ten minutes later, knowing that everything advertised was in stock. Once I bit the bullet and paid $8 for a head of cauliflower that was advertised as ridiculously large. But it was the puniest head of cauliflower I’d ever bought, and I couldn’t return it or get a price adjustment. And sometimes Instacart deliveries would include containers of salad greens that were already decomposing or other produce I wouldn’t have selected myself.

When I returned to the grocery store for the first time, there literally were tears in my eyes upon seeing a fully stocked produce department and being able to pick out fruits and vegetables on my own.

It’s a privilege I won’t take for granted again.

Unconditional Love

This might be the most difficult gratitude to put into words. So I’ll try to express what I’ve found living in my heart by describing a vision I had during meditation. It began with hearing my mother’s loving voice, which has been growing in my heart ever since she died 6 1/2 years ago. Then I realized that she was part of a greater entity of unconditional love. This entity appeared as a female form and contained everyone who’s loved me, teachers who have taught me to be more loving and wise, and even the higher selves of those with whom I’ve experienced disharmony. All their voices emanated from this entity of Love.

Then this entity went into my heart, like a genie going back into its bottle. I experienced it as an iridescent, heart-shaped crystal in my heart area. There was a white water lily at the top of my head, and a stream of light flowed from it down through my body. The heart crystal was in this stream of light, and when I listened to the sound of the tumbling stream, I realized it was the whispering of all those loving voices. The river of light was keeping the heart crystal clean and clear and accessible and was filling me with love.

From then on, I knew that all I needed to do was put a hand on my heart or call upon Love. Then that entity living in my heart would emerge from the crystal container and stand before me, and I’d feel all the love and hear what Love had to say to me. I could hear my mother’s voice, my father’s voice, my grandmother’s voice, the voice of the higher self of someone who had hurt me. During one meditation, the entity held my hands and then embraced me, and I felt completely surrounded by and filled with this pure energy of love and light. It felt like the embrace we all long for and was almost unbearably satisfying.

I know that whenever I need it, it’s all right there in my heart, accessible and more real than anything. And in this sense, we are not separate from our loved ones. The veils of death, mental illness, addiction, physical distance, etc. can be dissolved in a heartbeat so that there is no separation. For this, I am immensely grateful and resourced.

Hope

There was a particular moment recently when a wave of relief washed through my whole body, and the seeds of hope sent new roots into the earth. I was hopeful earlier in the year that the shutdown would help to awaken the world to simplicity and caring. And then things erupted into flames. But I still sense that we are part of a great awakening in human history. It won’t happen overnight. It’ll be messy and intense at times. But it’s happening, and we are part of it. We just need to be patient and to keep showing up for what we care about most.

Amen.


© 2020 Susan Meyer. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share this post or excerpts of it as long as you give proper credit to Susan Meyer and SusanTaraMeyer.com. Susan Meyer is a photographer, writer, and spiritual teacher who lives on the Hudson River in Upstate New York.

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